The holidays can be a tough time when you are still grieving the loss of someone very special to you. As much as I am enjoying this season and all the joy that my kids are getting out of it, I also find myself with tears in my eyes more often than normal, thinking about my Mom. I’ve been getting some grief counseling as of late, too, so I’m sure that dealing with those issues and bringing all the pain back to the surface has made my heart even more tender.
It’s just that, a year and a half going by just doesn’t “fix” that hole that you feel in your heart. Time does help, but I still feel that loss every day and wish I could call my Mom. It’s truly an irreplaceable loss.
The past two nights I have had dreams about my Mom, and even though dreams are dreams, they have really affected me emotionally. I have woken up with a sense of sadness and I realize yet again how grieved I am that I don’t get to ever spend time with her again in this life.
You do what you can, and I try to honor her in all the little Christmas traditions she loved and did. My tree will always be filled with a hodge podge of ornaments that have real meaning to me, especially because so many of them were giving to me by her. My kids (especially Liam) are getting so much joy out of the advent calendar hanging in our home – it’s the same handcrafted one that my siblings & I had while growing up and it’s so awesome reading a piece of the story of Jesus’ each day in my mom’s handwriting.
So while I’m sure it will be a lovely Christmas, I want to take a moment to say, “Mom, I miss you!” I don’t think that will ever change. I will never stop missing my Mom.