Words can sometimes only say so much

This is my mom at age 31 with her first baby, my brother Brian. It is so obvious in this picture how filled with joy & contentedness she was after finally becoming a mom after 6 years of infertility (from which God healed her, Hallelujah!).

This picture just speaks so much to me about my Mama and who she was. She was adventurous (it was her idea to climb into this little den of brushes & trees in Alaska for this picture), she was lovely, she was fiercely protective of her family, she was loyal, she loved her Jesus with passion.

Sometimes, I feel like the words “I miss her” are so weak – so unworthy of the true feelings behind them. Then again, dictionary.com’s definition most applicable to this situation is “to notice the absence or loss of”, and I suppose that IS very true. But it’s not just a casual noticing of her absence.

I notice her absence when Liam points to one of her quilts and says, “Gramma Mickey made that!”.

I noticed her absence the other night when I was up with a child having croup-related breathing issues and I was in a panic – I wanted more than anything to call my Mom and make sure I was doing the right things.

I notice her absence when I see her spunky character in my daughter Lauren – they are SO similar that sometimes I feel like I’m watching a mini version of my mom.

I notice her absence when I’m at the grocery store and wish that I could share that new dish or dessert I’m wanting to try.

I notice her absence when I wash down our dining room table, the same table that I sat at as a child. I sometimes close my eyes for a moment and try to remember what she looked like as she scurried around busily, cleaning up after meals.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop noticing her absence. There are just too many milestones and moments to come where she would have played such a big part. Too many times where I will yearn to pick up the phone and get her advice. Too many times where I will miss her spontaneity.

Sometimes, saying “I miss her” just can’t touch the true feeling.

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3 thoughts on “Words can sometimes only say so much

  1. Oh Kelly, thank you for sharing. Yes, even those of us who have lost mothers who lived to be in their 80’s remember and miss them. One of the last quotes from “Motherless Daughters” by Hope Edelman sums it up “”I am fooling only myself when I say that my mother exists now only in the photo…or in the outline of my hand or in the armful of memories I still hold tight. She lives on beneath everything I do. Her presence influenced who I was and her absence influences who I am. Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by those who stay. Loss is our legacy. Insight is our gift. Memory is our guide. This is how healing works. Years pass. Pain dulls. Lived experience begins to supplant memory. Details blur. But we never forget.”
    Yes, I will never forget my mother and I will never forget Mickey and Kathy and Joanne and Dixie.

  2. Hi Kelly!
    Thinking of you and praying. I do know how you feel and the things you expressed in this post. Immanuel was 5 months old when my mom went to heaven. I felt robbed of being able to ask her questions about so much, as Chad and I began our family. I still wish I could talk to her about parenting issues…and life issues. Our mommas loved the Lord and had such Godly wisdom! It is a void that no one else can fill, true. 10 years out, though, the grief has lessened with the Lord’s continued healing… yet I still miss her insight and speaking into my life greatly! (though it wasn’t always what I wanted to hear) The first couple of years, I found it helpful to write letters to my mom. Just processing and sharing… like I wished I could have done on the phone or in person. Now, I am working on getting photos and memories together to write about my mom’s life so I can share her with my kids. I still want them to know her and how much she loved them! The creative outlet seems to be another “layer” of the onion of healing God is bringing. Your in my thoughts and prayers, the Lord is faithful to walk this road with us! Blessings-

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