Confession

I’m going to make a confession…

Since my mom’s death 6.5 months ago, I’ve kind of been in a spiritual funk of sorts.

It’s not that I blamed God or was angry with God or ANYTHING like that. I just felt kind of dead inside, if that makes sense. The trauma of losing Mom just sort of made me shut down in a lot of ways, and I just didn’t have the energy to do much of anything.

And since she died, I’ve had a hard time reading my Bible regularly. And often I forget to pray like I know I should. I still have been going to church and I still believe just as strongly as I always have… I just think that the intense sense of loss and sadness that I have felt made me feel so emotionally exhausted that all I could do was go through the motions of life – doing the basics each day but forgetting to specifically spend time with the Lord.

So as I sat rocking Lauren today, tears came to my eyes as I realized how much I have missed Him. How much I want to feel Him in my life intensely again. I felt God give me the following verse:

“For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5

Though there may still be weeping in the days and months (and years) ahead, I need to strive to still rejoice in the Lord. I need to reunite with Him. And so I am committing to do that starting today. So many times as a child, I remember walking into Mom’s room to find her either reading her Bible or on her knees praying. And I want to follow her example. I want to make Mom proud. Because when it comes down to it, it is THOSE things that are the only things that really matter in our lives here on earth. What are we doing for JESUS?

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5 thoughts on “Confession

  1. Its so funny you wrote this today. I was lying in bed last night, not able to sleep, and I was thinking the exact same thing. I haven’t been praying like I used too, I don’t read my bible, and I haven’t even really wanted to go to church. I’m not “mad” at God for taking sam, I’m just so overcome with grief and the “why” that I guess thats why I haven’t been close with God. Thanks for sharing your heart, its good to know that I’m not alone in these feelings. Lauren is absolutely beautiful Kel!! So happy for you!!!

    • Jen, I know we feel a lot of the same feelings right now… “Overcome with grief” is a good way of expressing how we feel sometimes. But He is with us every step of the way. Love you.

  2. Kelly,

    So much of this echoes my struggle during my previous year with the vitamin d deficiency, miscarriage, etc. My heart aches for you. At the same time, one thing kept going through my mind while reading this and I wanted to share it with you. In John 11, Mary & Martha were mourning the death of their brother Lazarus and in fact, both informed Jesus “if you had been here, our brother would not have died.” But Jesus is so amazing – he didn’t condemn their mourning (OR how they mourned either), in fact, he mourned with them. Martha responded to her loss by running to Jesus as soon as she heard he was there, but Mary stayed in the house and came to Jesus only when she heard He summoned her. But even then he didn’t condemn her, he wept with her. And I think Jesus is just holding you in his arms, Kelly, saying – I understand that you needed to “stay in the house” for awhile…but even still, He was always there and He’s now calling you to Himself again, not to condemn you but to hold you and cry with you and show you that He will make this turn out for His glory also. And you are responding to His call, and THAT is faith. Our Lord is gracious and compassionate, my friend…especially in our times of difficulty.

    Hope this was encouraging…I love you, Kelly.

  3. Kelly,

    – am reminded when Elijah was discouraged and lonely how God ministered to him with angels and had him sleep and rest and strengthen himself before the next phase of his journey. I love that God has this story in the Bible for us to know that there are times of rest after emotional trauma. Be strengthened and encouraged. Love you and can’t wait to see you soon.

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